I may have spent it all too early.
I may have waited too long.

Today I don’t fit my skin correctly,
I used to have better ways of coping with this.
Those ways are long gone.

I love Popeye…he knows the secret…
“I am who I am, and that’s all what I am”

I pray for the acceptance of Popeye.
I pray to know that this intensity isn’t a choice
It’s who I am.
I came here and found that I couldn’t stand it a lot of the time.

I had to cry and cry and cry.
I cried for 6 years, then I suddenly stopped.
I didn’t cry again for another 30 years then I started again.
I don’t cry so much anymore, I write and I wail at this feeling again.

I don’t want to have trendy set up, a situation, a significant other
A live in, a hang out, an anything you could really name.
I want everything, and everyone.
I want souls who speak to mine.

Who hears me, who gets me, who can get to me.
I want to have made some footprint in my time here.
I want to matter more to people than to my bank.
I want to have been loved beyond reason from time to time.
I want to give it all away, to keep getting it back.

I have a child that is like me, I have learned so much from her.
She lives like an inside out sock. Threads showing and honestly the sock works just as well that way, in fact it feels much better, but it bothers so many people.
She was this way and always will be.

I have this need, my father has this need, it is maddening sometimes because it doesn’t fit.

We have these molds for our lives, the world makes them and it isn’t very tolerant of those who don’t fit in, or redecorate them.

I did the duty, towed the line, raised the kids, kept the job, paid the mortgage and I’m done. I hope I didn’t wait too long.
I want to color outside the lines everyday.

I used to say, I don’t really want to be mainstream, but I was and hated it.
Now I’m very mainstream in action, I don’t say much about it and yet I am not at all on the inside. The inside of me has busted out of something. I can’t possibly keep it all in.

This lack of structure keeps showing up on the outside, and I don’t care. I mean, I care, I’d really like to keep my job and house and car and dogs, but if those things aren’t really threatened, then I guess I don’t care.

When I was 20 I saw an old man at the store in this pajama pants with his high riding boxers showing above his pants. He was wearing house shoes and a sports shirt. I had so much admiration for him and Popeye in that moment. I said, someday I’ll be able to do that and it will be wonderful…fortunate for me it has arrived before my eighties.

Now, having said that there is a dark creeping fear of insanity. It’s like a heavy fog that stays on the floor. It mills around your feet and you’re never too sure if it left anything on you or not.

Enough for today…just go to sleep.