“Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane. No! It’s 287(g) Man!”
Yes, 287(g) Man! Believed by most to be mild mannered lawman, Officer Al A. Mance, Officer Mance is actually that hero of the helpless and scourge of traffic fiends everywhere, 287(g) Man!
Cruising high above the skies of Wonderbread County, 287(g) Man’s radar spots another dastardly criminal about to make an unsanctioned U-turn.
“Looks like trouble!” he says to his sidekick Count. E. Commission.
“Oh, no! What shall we do?” cries the Count.
“Never fear, little guy! I shall swoop down and nab that ne’er do well in the act!”
A mighty roar fills the sky as 287(g) Man descends upon the menace to civilization.
“Pull over, you!” commands our hero over the blare of mariachi music.
As the fiend’s car rolls to a stop by the side of the road, 287(g) Man and the Count find a car filled with people with funny accents.
“My father speaks little English.” says the young girl in the back seat. “What can we do for you?”
“I’ll bet they’re felons, 287(g) Man!” says the Count. “Maybe we should we call for back-up!”
“Hmmmmmmm!” says our hero as he strokes his chiseled chin. “Perhaps so! They could be gang members, drug dealers, or even worse…”
“What, 287(g) Man?”
“Jaywalkers!”
“Gasp!” gasps Count E. Commission. “Quick, grab the shotgun! And it’s a good thing you got that Army Surplus riot vehicle.”
“There’s no time! We have to act fast.”
And then, faster than the county government can raise his budget, 287(g) Man leaps to the car door and pulls out the fiendishly unsafe driver.
“What are you doing to my Daddy?!” cries the pint sized partner in crime.
“Aha! Just as I thought! This man has no license! Off to jail with you, Mr. Got No License Guy!”

LATER, IN THE 287(g) MAN SECRET HEADQUARTERS

“You are unmasked, sir!” bellows 287(g) Man. “Trying to pose as a husband and a father of three who is working a low wage job so his family can have a better life! But our special high tech finger print identification thingamajigee has unmasked you! You are, in actuality, that evil genius Dr. NOL!”
“Que?” asks the evil genius.
“That’s just my Daddy!” cries the Doctor’s evil minion, disguised as a ten year old.
“Fess up!” shouts Count E. Commission. “Just because of the 235 people 287(g) Man has nabbed this year, only 37 had committed felonies is no reason for us to stop claiming that people like you are a threat to public safety! I mean, why get so namby pamby about facts!”
“Right you are, little guy! We’ll have to ship him out, smash his dreams like a piñata, and separate him from his family before he’ll learn!”
“But what about me, my mother, and my two brothers?“ cries the tiny ne’er do well. “I was born here! I grew up here! What do you want me to do?”
“You should have thought of that before you decided to be born here to people without papers!” replies 287(g) Man. “That man whom you call ‘Daddy’ is in truth my arch nemesis Dr. NOL, leader of an insidious plot to flood our community with bad drivers! I shall not rest until every one of them is rounded up and shipped out as if they really were a danger to our safety!”
“Oh, 287(g) Man!” says Count E. Commission. “You’re my hero!”

This piece was written in response to our local Sheriff's claim that participating in the federal 287(g) plan that prints and runs all arrestees in the immigration database is eliminating dangerous criminals from our midst. Yet according to figures from his office, of the apprimately 240 deported, about 140 were originally arrested for No Operator's License, an offense that got me a ticket and a 40$ fine in 1993. Less than 40 of these allegedly dangerous aliens were arrested for felonies. So it's become clear that he uses the program as a deportation method even when he claims in the local press that it is aimed only at dangerous criminals and gangbangers.