So, I thought that this was a site that I could write chapters from my book and get alot of feedback. I was severely mistaken. I don't know anyone and everything I have read has either been about Christ or the stupidity of the human race. I've read a few things that caught my attention, but really no one seems interested in contact with others. This is basically a site where you can write whatever you want, and maybe someone will come across it. I wrote my first two entries a few months ago and haven't gotten ONE comment. That totally sucks! And I know for a fact that my story isn't THAT bad! Even if it sucks...someone could write that.

It would be nice to see that smiling face. The one that comes with someone that loves me. I haven't seen too many lately. I remember every last one. It's like I catalog them in my head. The look before they go away. The last time I saw each of them sleeping in my bed. I knew each time, strange isn't it. Should I have taken a picture, put it in a scrapbook of the dearly departed. Each gone, flying underneath the radar. They have become strangers somehow. I hold those things sexual and intimate close to my heart. They mean the world to me. It's how you hook me in. Unless I separate myself from it emotionally and just do it for the enjoyment of making another feel that good. It's not about me, it's not even about the moment. It's about them. But let me not go any further into that.

I'm awake right now. Thinking my brain into mush. Being vulnerable to hurt and the pain of loss. I bury myself in the past and the closed doors behind me. It's me taking one step forward and two steps back. Opening doors to look in on things that have already happened. My heart is stuck in the memories of things that are better than the lonely moments that crowd around me. They try to get into my pockets and travel with me to unknown destinations. I will empty my pockets, the things left wet and torn in the washing machine. Just trying to get myself clean of this ball and chain attached to my shoulder. I carry my heart on my sleeve. I size up my options every chance I get. It's something I can't help myself from doing. Being open to an experience that can color the next period of my life.